I keep starting to write stuff but keep distracting myself as it just seemed and unending repetition of not being able to do things and being sore and tired. Not this time…
I was having a music night, just sitting with the eyes closed listening to music, I do a Random Album Friday from time to time but haven’t recently. Tonight was different it was my Random Soundtrack and RHCP – Otherside came on and reminded me of a time I was in hospital listening to Californication and By The Way. And I done the same, thankfully this time at home.
I knew I wrote a blog about it back then and knew roughly when it was and coincidently it was Tuesday 10th December 2019, or at least that’s when I wrote the blog so it was probably the night before, the 9th. It’s quite sad to think that 5 years ago I knew things were going to get much worse before they were going to get better, despite just being out of surgery on my heart and a chunk of lung chopped out. I didn’t imagine that it would be 5 years before there was any real hope of improving.
One thing after another has finally led here, but maybe there is finally that glimmer of hope that there may be something more than just being. I know things will never go back to how they were before, heading in that direction though can only be a positive thing as the last five or six years have been bad, really, really bad and I have cut myself off from a lot of the world, which in some ways has been a good thing and will continue to have to do that, not so great in others which I may try to fix but I need to fix myself first.
I have that fire, or at least the spark is there to start that fire. I had my second hip surgery a couple of weeks ago and the second I leaned down and felt me touching my leg I was driven, there wasn’t any irritation to the nerve and I knew I was going for it. With the other leg it took months to get to a stage, and even still, where I can do anything to improve it and was just a waiting game for the feeling and sensations to come back again and still is. Only about a month ago I was able to step up a step and was a bit concerned that if the same thing happened to the second leg I’d be screwed and just not able.
This wasn’t the case and shy of three weeks after surgery I am way ahead of any progress I could have imagined by even a couple of months down the line and the lack of pain doing anything is so relieving, I was expecting to be so much worse after for a while for things to get back into place but it must have been so bad that any pain there is now is nothing compared to what it was like before the surgery.
And so because of all this… That spark and I’m going to kindle it into a roaring fire…